Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Leaning into the Future.

In my own life I am standing, trembling on the threshold of new things. I have called for change, and change is coming fast, like a freight-train. I have asked for community, for more support in my increasingly blind life, for more context. They are rising up in front of me like an oasis in a wide flat country. Or maybe more than an oasis - maybe the paklm trees that lean together in front of the gate.

I trust people easily. It's not so easy for me to trust life. Raised by a British mother who suffered hunger and deprivation in World War Two, and a Canadian grandmother who knew that for every three babies you had, you'd bury one, I ten to say to myself: "Hope for the best but expect the worst."

There's a rugged and sardonic pessimism in my background. when I ask my beloved Auntie how she's doing, she says "Well, dear, I'm able to sit up and take nourishment."

For me, hope is always a terrifying thing. I have felt that it steals the present tense, focuses the gaze on the future, which doesn't really exist, instead of keeping it steady on what is. But hey, what is is already turning into what was as I write this, and the future is quickly becoming the past.

I have been in a long hermitage, a long dark winter. I asked for it - had my reasons for it - left the blazing, loud, colorful world of tropical China to come and do this winter retreat. I think it's almost over, and I'm looking for optimism.

the Tarot offers me the Three of Wands, sometimes called The Lord of Success Assured. Three is the number that brings form. There really is no form until the third dimension is achieved, and this happens in Three. Or if you want to think of it in plane geometry, two points only create a line. The first time you see any kind of form is when you connect three points. The birth of form.

When the Three comes in Fire it is sublime. There is a lovely graceful certainty - the fire is clear and powerful but has cooled enough to be manageable. It is the magic moment when you know that what you ask can be accomplished. It is having the joyful confidence to know that your investments will pay off.

I am glad to see that right now. It's way less scary to lean back into the past, into nostalgia or sorrow or regret, than it is to lean into the future.

No comments:

Post a Comment