when I began this blog, my plan was to start from where I am and work to the card, or vice versa. It’s easier just to talk about the card, and it’s still interesting enough, but it’s not a blog.
I am in retreat. House/cat/dog-sitting for old friends who live in the country. The forest comes right down to their house. Bears appear from time to time – a plus for me since I’m very fond of them. At this point a bear could probably come and sit beside me on the deck and I’d mistake it for a neighbour. I’m going through the most intense period of vision loss I’ve had since the shutting down of my right eye. Do I come out of this with a left eye?
My energy has shrunk down, a very small core in a big place. Like living in an old house with all the rooms closed off to save on the heating bills – just the kitchen, sitting-room, bedroom in back of the kitchen heated and lit, everything else cold and dark. Not dead – the house could light up at any moment, fill with laughter, talk, music, but not right now.
I think that’s what this retreat was for. It’s easy. A big sunny house, always the sound of running water outside, and in the evening the cool sound of wind in the trees. I sleep, eat very little, kind of suspended and waiting for the tide to come back in.
One day Shiva was meditating, eyes open, absolutely still for a very long time. His wife, Parvati, perhaps in play, perhaps in jealousy, came behind him and put her hands over his eyes. As his eyes were darkened the world was too. Monsters, terror, storms, the breakdown of everything, all in a terrible darkness. Instantly he sprang a third eye, and as he did fire came to cleanse and restore the world.
The Wheel of Fortune is sometimes called the Eye of Shiva. It will correct whatever has gone wrong. It is the path from Form, as willed by the Divine, to human life. When these adjustments happen we call them lock. Good luck. Bad luck. They are the opening of the eye, the turning of the Wheel.
What does this mean for me, as my eyes darken? While my energy is so low now that it’s hidden in my core, almost invisible, I don’t think it’s bad news. I don’t think I’m ill, or dying. Walking from one spot to another is very tiring. I have the energy to get a cup of tea from time to time. Something is going on. Something is preparing itself.
I’ve known for many years that this transition was afoot. As I approach it, the end of seeing, it’s not at this moment so much frightening as it is arresting. When the two eyes are gone, what will happen?
At the same time, I am finding people increasingly approaching me for . . . for what? . . . hard to explain. Support? Clarity? Direction? It’s not my tarot work only, it’s just suddenly people around me are asking me to see what they need to do.
I feel a lot of love and a lot of sorrow. People’s lives are so hard sometimes. And if I can’t trust the Divine with my own life, how can I trust It with theirs?
The vehicles are fragile. They don’t last forever. They get cracked and broken. What they hold lasts forever. So easy to see this in others, so hard to remember it for oneself.
The pure force of the Wheel of Fortune can feel like it’s breaking your bones, breaking your heart. Maybe it is. Sometimes we have to break open the vessel to let the holiness come out, maybe?
A poor woman took all that she had and bought a vessel of precious oil. She broke it open, poured it over the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair. No doubt this released great holiness, but she was still going to go home to an empty pantry.
The Eye of Shiva burns away everything that doesn’t matter, everything that is an obstruction, to make way for the coming of the Divine. Not so comfortable sometimes.
All we need to do is remember the three magic words. Say them to ourselves, each other, the Divine. Say them a hundred times a day. “I love You.”